I’m rarely able to articulate myself when I’m in a good place.
I’m currently in a very good place. Mentally, professionally and socially. I never thought I’d get to that place in the past.
Last night I found some of my old writings while my grammar in some was bad and phrases i chose to use to highlight an emotion is embarrassing and eye roll worthy at times. But what left me hunted last night was my lack of hope and realizing how lost and confused I was.
These emotions were resurfaced (for 2 minutes) after I was told by someone whose opinion of me can leave a lasting imprint on my brain, that I was inconsistent; that I don’t follow through, that I take few steps forward and a few back. It bothered me that someone I hold in high regard view me as someone who is fickle and impulsive.
For the longest time I went through life mirroring what others expect or think of me. With age and a lot of self-reflection and self-growth I had to undergo a lot of trails and errors on what my interests are, what path I choose to cross and stupid revelations like what type of dress I’d like to wear. Other revelations were devastating like learning that my opinions weren’t my own and and I’ll need to force myself to dig deep and know what my ‘authentic’ opinions are on everything.
It took a lot of work and a lot of statements were made along the way like I was sure with a lot of conviction that I’d be an artist, then a researcher and a writer, than a journalist, psychologist, social worker, HR officer, paralegal, auditor, financial analyst, that I’d excel if i worked in politics and social affairs, also solving crimes (funny but for a long minute that was true). I felt strongly about these professions along my way to self discovery. 5 years of ever changing callings. I strongly believe that I thought of them because I’m interested in all these professions and if I was offered a lucrative opportunity to explore one of them i would have taken it. However, just because I’ve slowly started to discover my passions doesn’t mean the world will conspire to offer me the dream job.
I came to 2019 with an open mind that I’ll take whatever opportunity that’s being presented to me. Yes I studied accounting and yes I sucked at being an accountant for 2 years but that’s not because I’m not smart or capable but it’s because I had an excruciating self-doubt and a debilitating low self-esteem that I questioned everything I did during my employment.
Now, now I know that. I know I’m capable, smart and driven. I know now the only obstacle I had was me. But that’s okay, because now I know. So I’ll kick ass during this training program, I won’t know everything but that’s fine, it’s okay to ask and to let someone know you don’t know.
I will be the best auditor I can be.
I will pass the ACCA course.
I will stay social and motivated.
“I will” will be how I start sentences from
I will not be discouraged.
I will not allow opinions of others shake my confidence.
I will kick ass and take names.
I will do that kindly and with respect.
I will not care if I sound goofy or cheesy.
I’m in a good place, thank you God.